So I have been meaning to make this post for a few days, but current events have been sort of pushing their way to the front of my mind lately, so I put it off. But finally here I post. Hopefully in doing so, not only will people understand me better, but also get a broader understanding at the variety of mental health issues people can face. Often times we think if someone was "really" suffering, that their diagnosis would be easy and obvious. But that's not the case. My diagnose came years after the first time I had an episode. And long after I would begin suffering with depression. The first hurdle was simply seeking help and answers. So many times I would go to the doctor's office and never bring up some of what I was facing. After all, I assumed he, like so many others, would simply brush it off as fake, attention seeking. A mental, hypochondriac. Unfortunately, with so many using mental health issues as their "get out of responsibility and punishment" free card, it does feel like there is an increase of those who are faking. But that doesn't change the fact that those suffering need to be heard, without judgement.
Once I finally did open up to my doctor, it was hard to explain what exactly happened. Of course, with so many possibilities and so little experience with each, even a doctor can generally only give generalizations. And so I was prescribed medicine for a general anxiety disorder. It helped some, but wasn't perfect. (well, the first two sucked, I am on the third medicine that he has tried with me, and it's been helping some)
Now that I had a diagnosis (though incomplete) seeking help and support became my biggest challenge. Those who did listen, would often offer generic statements. Or simply tell me everyone faces anxiety. Which is true. But facing anxiety is not a disorder. No, someone with a disorder doesn't face abnormal issue, rather, they are unable to cope or process the same issues that other people face. Just as someone with a blood clotting issue bleeds more than a normal person, if both cut the same. This is the single and most important thing I think needs to be spread with mental health awareness.
I don't face more anxiety than you, my brain chemistry simply can not handle normal anxiety the same way yours can.
When my EIA (welfare for you not from Canada) worker was calling me a failure, she even used the example that many of her clients were going through the same thing as I was, and none ever tried to claim disability. The deep seeded misconception of what someone going through these struggles, reaches so far that even those who are supposed to be helping you, can have a doctor's note explaining how I can't handle "normal" and still violently be against someone seeking help. Because they should just "deal with it."
Recognizing this will help you understand those with anxiety disorders better. But I have also found it seems to separate the attention seeker from those who generally suffer. Someone who claims they have it so much worse so it's obvious they would have issues generally aren't the ones I would be concerned with. Now it doesn't mean they don't have issues or that they don't go to through more stress than your average person. But the one's who I feel truly connected to are those who admit that they're going through stuff, but they don't have an excuse for why they feel the way they do. They simply just do. That's sort of the standard I think you can use to judge whether someone has basic anxiety or an actual disorder. Of course, unless you're a doctor, you aren't the one who should diagnose and even those without a disorder deserves compassion in their struggles.
Going through my own struggles though, didn't get any easier with a diagnosis. There were still things I did that weren't exactly normal. Even among others who have anxiety disorders as well. There's not a lot a doctor can do at this point though. Specialists can perhaps help you find answers, but the waiting list for them are extreme and the cost for private equally so. I heard one doctor say that if you want a true expert in a feel, don't go to a hospital, rather find someone with a loved one with the disease. They will know more. And so I reached out and did plenty of self study. I figured I likely had a "panic" disorder and not anxiety. While similar, there were some changes from what I found. My episodes where a lot more physical than many, to the point that we now know the "seizures" I had about ten years ago, weren't related to my physical health, but my mental.
Still at times I felt off. Though I could attribute it to the disorder, I still would tell others that it was a guess at best. Then one day while explaining some of the more common episodes I have, I mentioned that when stressed it feels like I step outside myself, having an out of body experience. During this time I simply watch as it feels like someone else takes over and intervenes in conversation for me. This other "me" is generally far less patient and can be downright rude. But though that isn't ideal, it can also put people in their place, when I cannot stand up for myself as "me." This revelation seemed to trigger and idea and with some suggestion and searching, we discovered the most complete diagnosis so far. Depersonalization Disorder. It's a Disassociation Disorder in the same family of Dissassociation Identity Disorder. (multiple personalities) Though has many differences. Put simply, I don't become a whole new person or am not unaware. Rather it's a dream like out of body experience. Something many people experience for a variety of reasons. I've never had extremely long episodes, but long social functions, I have noticed I felt more like watching than actually being there. (and usually made a royal fool of myself in the process)
Finding a disorder that explains most of what I go through has been a small relief. It let's me know that I am not alone. Others experience such things. That I am not "making things up" in a sense. It also let's me more easily reference something. There are a few fact sheets and information online. So when explaining it to others, I don't have to ramble a bunch of jumbled thoughts from times when I am not really in the best frame of mind. And honestly, it's helped some when telling people I have something not often heard of versus just saying an anxiety disorder. Rather than simply brushing it off as "anxiety" they're more honest about listening for something they don't understand. (though, they likely are just as clueless about a general anxiety disorder vs normal anxiety)
That being said, knowing isn't some magic cure. For starters, there's really no treatment other than hoping general anti-depressants/anxiety medication helps. And it makes sense that an episode triggers a lot like an anxiety attack. So there isn't much for specialists to refer to. Or to receive a diagnosis officially from one rather than simply your GP saying, "it look's very much like this." At the end of the day, I am going to have episodes. I am going to have to explain to people that I wasn't in my normal state of mind when I said or did things that crossed some lines. And I am going to have people who don't believe me. Who tell me to grow up, get over it, just hold on, we all have stresses or that I am faking it. And really, that's the issue that those with genuine mental health issues face. It's the fact that many people they meet don't see it as a real health issue, such as say a broken leg, infection or cancer. Yet as I talking about a few posts ago and teens with depression, not only is it just as real, but it can be fatal. Even to the most "healthy" looking individual.
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