I am glad such a day is getting to be more and more mainstream. And while I can recognize it's likely a company trying to sell more TV subscriptions, while giving itself a pat on the back, that's no reason why we can't take advantage and reach out as best we can.
What to say exactly I have been debating. So I decided to simply post my own experiences. As up front as I can be online. There will be some things I more reference than talk in detail, simply because of the people involved.
And I will put this in at the start, so any who do suffer may not feel differently. Just because you haven't "gone through as much" as me or someone else with a mental health issue. It does NOT trivialize what you are going through. Your mental health isn't any less important than someone else who has gone through more.
So while many look at my divorce being what "triggered" my depression and anxiety, it actually goes back many years before.
In 1994, when I was 4, I had someone force me to make out with him. While it wasn't rape and thankfully only a one time thing. When I was 12-13, I sexually abused someone younger than me on occasion. Whether they're connected or not, I do not know. Both things stick with me to this day, driving me intense and even violent feelings of regret and anger.
The first time I contemplated suicide, I was 10 years old. Far before the stresses of being an adult or even in high school. I was bullied, and was sort of the odd duck in the family. Whether that contributed to the thoughts or not, I don't know. When I was 15, shortly after moving back to Canada, I decided God wasn't real. It was the release I needed to finally follow through with the act and kill myself after five years. I couldn't even start going to get a knife, when I had a painfully violent episode that I truly believe was a demonic attack. It felt like being stabbed then lightening shooting through me. It physically knocked me back and rocked me in so much pain I was immobile for a bit. Call it what you will, but it was enough to convince me there is a spiritual realm, and so suicide likely wasn't going to go well for me. That being said, I have had a fail attempt years after that, as an adult. And even to this day, being far more adjusted and certain about being called to help others with mental disabilities, there are many days where I wish I was dead.
Apart from depression, I struggle with Depersonalization, as I talked about two days ago. Stress causes me to step outside my body and watch as I often ruin relationships or just make a general fool of myself. It's crushing and causes me to withdraw from people, rather than risk losing relationships over it.
Something else I struggle with is Gender Dysphoria. A hot button topic today and something people argue over. I don't want to get too political, but facts are facts. They're neither offensive or bigoted. Someone with untreated dysphoria is said to have about a 1 in 9 suicide rate. Higher than the average, but not massively so. Someone who transitions has over a 2 in 5. You are four times as likely to kill yourself if you become the gender you "feel." And so that's not an option for me. Also, I know God doesn't make mistakes. I understand genetics, biology and psychology as a whole. So I know the best for someone with this isn't to live in their mental state, but support and acceptance to show that they're fine just the way they are.
That being said, when I dream, I am usually a woman. Honestly, unless sex is involved, I don't know if I am ever a man in my dreams. Online gaming I am often a woman character. While some of it has to do with my kids liking them more than men, there's also a freedom I find in a fantasy world, when I feel like I can be more true to my nature. As a teen I had more female friends as I got along better with them. I was better at shopping than manly things. Can bake a pie crust from scratch and can't change the oil of my car. Played more with barbies with my sisters than GI Joe. And I could go on. I am a "girly" man in many aspects. I gave up the traditional gender roles long before my ex left, to be a stay at home parent. Don't get me wrong, there are still many things I do that's far more masculine. I drink coffee black. Prefer grunts and gestures over words. Think a car smash would be far better than a therapist to work problems through. Honestly, it's learning to accept not all people fit into every part of a generalization. And that's a good thing. Generalizations give us a starting point, and are a good thing, but they aren't the end to learning about someone. In the 90's, the fight was to accept boys or girls who didn't always act the way normal kids did of their gender. In the 10's, the fight seems to now be accept them as something they're not. I believe the fight of the 90's is far better for someone like me than today's. But even so, it's something that's still uncomfortable to be open with people about.
Over the years, I have been victim of abuse a lot as well. There are still some things from my childhood that hinder me to this day. I often talk out of myself from seeking help, because I assume everyone is going to think I am a faker. This is more than mental health, even physical health I have held back from going to the doctor with some serious conditions until it could not be ignored. It's how my hernia back in 2005 got so bad I looked like a sack of bones before getting held. It's how many hip and neck problems I have now are the way they are. Or my foot from soccer last year. But beyond that, I was emotionally abused and isolated in my previous marriage. I wasn't allowed to hang out with friends and eventually cut myself off from all but my family. It got to the point where even coaching hockey became a trigger point that would cause anger in the home. I was physically abused as well. I flinch women with a certain look catch the corner of my eye. I flinch when they get emotional or raise their hands quickly. There's a lot that makes me flinch. I don't have surface feeling in much of my chest. I have made excuses for pain and bruises. Two years after my marriage is when a friend finally brought it up that a legitimate beating, isn't actually foreplay. Because sex was often used as an apology after the fact.
All in all, my life hasn't been what I have wanted. There are so many things I wish I could change. Even when people point out the fact that many of those changes means my kids wouldn't be born the people they are, I can only say that they likely deserve a different life. As happy and healthy as they are, it's a constant struggle feeling like failing to them. Now don't get me wrong, it's better than any alternative currently available, but some times the best in a situation isn't all that great.
And so daily I struggle. Just moving forward with many of these thoughts. But I will not hide them anymore. The Bible talks about healing coming not from when we confess to God (which is how we are forgiven) but when we confess to each other. I mentioned a few days ago opening up to a group about a casual lie that I got so used to telling to avoid explaining the entire situation (it was about my suicide attempt and calling it an accident) But after opening up to the group that night, there are many pains they prayed for from that attempt that I no longer have. Years of injury gone, not because of doctors, prayers for healing (as I have had numerous) but a confession that I never told the whole story of what really happened.
I won't end the stigma of mental illness. It will likely never go away completely. But if I can change the way even one person thinks, I will bring it to light. I hope any who have questions will feel able to talk to me. Either with their own struggles or with understanding. Thanks for reading.
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