Had a great night at prayer night at church. Of course, pastor Armann made the mistake of letting me talk. So I kept him and my kids until 10:30. But during the prayer part of the night, conviction struck me like a hammer. What was a simple request became a bright light on sin that so casually held on to.
Lying
Seems like an easy and big one to notice. But I am not talking about blatant lies. Just simple ones. Half truths or glossing over the reasoning behind things. And while the specific example is not one I will share on here, due to certain situations in my life (it is something I will be more open in person though) there's another one I realized I pass off all the time.
The reasoning behind me being a stay at home, shut in. I blame it on being a single parent who works for home. Not having many friends to hang out with in the area. The fact that on weekends I usually have Jaxon so can't leave. Or even my finances not letting me hang out at a restaurant. All are "true" in a sense, but at the same time misleading. Because, generally they're not the reason why I say in all day, every day. The real reason is mostly because of depression. It's something I struggle with. It's one of the many reasons I am doing this forty days of posting. It's a very major part of my every day life. Anyone dealing with it can attest to that.
But like most with it, it's something they hide. The stigma around clinical depression is very real. At best, the person will feel uncomfortable and not know what to say. At worse, they will treat it like a common cold, something you will "get over" in a few days. Or maybe they'll offer generic sympathies, that reveal they don't care too much they just want to pat themselves on the back. (harsh? maybe, but I will likely go more in detail with this line of thinking in the next 34 days) Or perhaps they will even call you out for faking, for attention. Usually it's a mixture of all of these. And so depressed people hide it.
I've been there. I don't blame the depressed for hiding it. But for myself, it's something I know I can no longer do. As I shared in Day 1, I believe I will be involved in a men's mental and spiritual health ministry, BECAUSE of my experiences with it. In my devotional journal, I have half a page working through how my continued healing will be sharing with others about my struggles. So if I am going to be healing, growing and helping by sharing, why do I think I should still be hiding it. I can help educate and inform those who don't know what it's like. I can correct generic sentiments like "just hold on," "things will get better," "you need to just -----," and inform the damage those can cause. I can do these things because it is my calling to do so. But I can only do it if I am open and honest.
Perhaps with me sharing, the person will open up with their own struggles. So often we affix a "type" who have depression, when there really isn't one. Just like a mind cancer, it is indiscriminate of race, gender, orientation, personality, wealth, background, education or anything else. Yes, certain things can exasperate, fester or otherwise increase the severity or likelihood. But the root issue can be found in anyone. And I can't expect to reach those who are currently unreached and in hiding, if I keep remaining hidden as well.
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